Friday, February 15, 2008

Seviyorum Gözyaşını

Neden bilmiyorum, kırmızı bir çift ayakkabı gibi gökyüzü. O kadar fazla görüyorum ki şeyleri. Yoruluyorum. O kadar çok şeyi düşünüyorum ki birden ve aynı anda. Dönüpdönüpgülümsüyorumkendime. Karışmıyorum ve şefkatle okşuyorum başımı. Kendime ne yapabilirim ki. İnsan içindeki sevinci nasıl kontrol edebilir ki. Döveyim mi yani kendimi? Kendim mutluysam ve gökyüzünü bir çift kırmızı ayakkabı gibi görüyorsam öleyim mi? Hayır daha önce böyle olduğundan değil rahatlığım doktor, nerden çıkardın? İlk defa böyle olduğumdan rahatım. Daha önce yaşadığı bir şeyi yaşadığını düşünürse insan kendini rahat hissetmez ki. Ben kaygılanırım açıkçası. Farkında mısın bilmiyorum ama düz yazıdayım. Muğlâk ve karmaşık şiirsellikten uzağım, fersah fersah. Denize ulaşmanın rahatlığı Mavi ve geçerli bir gökyüzü altında berrak bir denizin kıyısına ulaştım. Konuşma doktor, germe ortamı. Ne desem ne eylesem, kelimeyi çarpsam bölsem, ortada güneş altında tembellik yapmaya gelmişim gibiyim, yerçekimi de dursun rahatsız etmiyor. Zıplamak ancak yerçekimiyle mümkün. Yoksa zıplamak diye bişey olmazdı doktor. Yerçekimine bu kadar çok ihtiyaç duyacağım olmamıştı. Arada zıplıyorum, ciddi gözlere fazla çarpmadan, iyi geliyor doktor, iyi geliyor. … Nasıl? … Sana ne doktor, gökyüzünün renginden, anlatsam fehmedecek misin yani? Şekil olarak kırmızı bir çift pabuç ama rengi mavi. Üçüncü halin imkânsızlığı ilkesine göre çelişiyorsun, bari şekil olarak pabuç de. Doktor delisin mi sen? “Mavi renkli, kırmızı bir çift pabuca benzeyen gökyüzü” ifadesinde dilbilgisi açısından çelişen bir şey yok ki! Tıpkı “Zamansız büyüyen bardakların bacakları çarpık olacaksa bunun pişmanlığı yamuk bir üçgenin tiril tiril kolalı gömleğinde aranmalıdır” cümlesinde olduğu gibi. Doktor sen iyisin mi? İyiyim tamam, ben birinci cümleye razıyım. Tamam o zaman bende karnı yarık su tutmayan şekilsiz bir tutam elmayı gözüne süreceğim. Ardından yağmur gibi telaşlı seksen klonlanmış eşeğin derisinden savruk bir dünya yapacağım. Üstünde biten tek bitkinin yalama yapmış bir cıvata olduğu bu gezegene seni çamsakızı çoban armağanı olarak dökeceğim. Nereye doktorcuğum? … Sövme ama, sana yakışıyor mu?


Murat said...

Bu yazıya yorum yazılmaması yazık olacaktı... ne denir, geçmiş olsun...

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